The goal of Trust Based Relational Intervention is to develop a warm, nurturing and connected relationship with the child. Often, loving parents believe love and nurturing will resolve their adopted child’s trauma history. We wish this were true. Unfortunately, you cannot truly change behavior in a child with a trauma history unless you and the child are connected. Our capacity to change children, to teach social skills and coping skills is based on the relationship we have with the child. Attaching and connecting should be the primary job of parent the first year they are together. This connection is the “Heart and soul of TBRI.” Dr. Karyn Purvis, “If they miss this, they (the child) are behind.”
Parent’s must first focus out work to build this connection with the child. Once this begins to develop, then you can move on to correcting behavior while continuing to strengthen the relationship. Ultimately, we are hoping to reshape behavior that has been a survival strategy. Asking a child to give this up for someone they are not connected to often ends in failure. So how do we start to develop such an important connection with a child who is entering your life through adoption and foster care?
1. Soften Ourselves. Many children from hard places associate adults as people who hurt. We must first be approachable to the child. Our voice, tone, use of our eyes, body language, position of our body must all be comforting, safe and desirable to the child.
2. Teach your Child to Play. Traumatized children often do not know how to play. Play is helpful as it will disarm their fear. You are better able to correct, redirect and teach behaviors through play. Important connections in the brain are activated and released when we play.
3. Match your Child. Build a bridge to your child. Position yourself: your body and voice to match the child. When they sit, you sit; when they are quiet, you are quiet; etc. These are things that are normally introduced from parent to child in infancy, but our kids missed out. Mirroring interventions are helpful and playful, your child will love these.
4. Set the bar for Success. Parents tend to set bars too high for their children, but it is especially important to realize this for a child from a hard place. This is very similar to a parent telling a child who is in a wheel chair to run faster. We would not do this and we must not do this to our children. Instead, praise, praise, praise and encourage. When the child is successful in reaching your bar, adjust the bar higher.
5. Praise Your Child Often. Watch for opportunity to praise. The praise must be real. Kids will know if you are not being genuine and authentic. All children will do some things well. Task or performance praise are ok. However, personal praise for who they are is more valuable. You should have 6 praises to every 1 correction. Teach your child they are special and unique.
6. Respect the Child’s Need for Personal Space. Give them what they need. Give them the power to use their own words to communicate what they need. State to your child, “use your words and tell me what you need.” When asking for eye contact and they are unable to do so, let them cover their eyes instead of using eye contact. Modulate voice to match the child. Raise the bar only as high as they can handle. Sometimes backing off and giving them space is necessary and ok to do! It could prevent future meltdowns. For example if you are asking for a hug and they say no, don’t force or invade their space, instead you might ask, “Is it ok if I stand here.” This is an excellent example of lowering the bar for the child.
7. Stick Together. Three rules are used in TBRI: a. Stick together b. No hurts and c. Have fun. Introducing and teaching these rules in your family forges safety and connection. Teach your child, if we stick together no one will get hurt and we will have fun!
8. Give Voice to your Child. Understand that your child’s behaviors are often their attempt to tell you what is going on with them. Help your child learn to be competent with their language. Ask them to use their voice and give them time to respond. Kids need time to process their thoughts as well as what they are hearing. Praise when they use their words – when they tell you what they need, you must do everything in your power to meet their needs. Story telling and feelings poster can help children identify what they need, initially. Have feeling posters hanging in your home, visit posters several times a day. Have them point to the face they are feelings in each moment. Accept and honor your child’s thoughts, feelings and emotions.
9. Be Reflective when Responding to your Child’s Story. If you don’t monitor the stories that come from your child – more will come. There are many layers to their stories. Remember that telling their stories is often similar to a child disclosing abuse. Children tend to give small pieces of their story to test the person (and their reaction) before sharing the ugliest parts. They need to know they are safe with the person and that the person they are sharing with will not respond in a way they cannot handle. That means the adult cannot try to change their story. A story may start off as idealizing the parent who lost their parental rights. Even though you may know differently, you cannot respond by trying to edit, teach or change their version of their story. Once they know they have your trust and that their words are honored, then more stories will come from them.
10. Follow Through on Promises or Do NOT Make Promises. You must follow through on what is promised – this creates a trusting relationship. When you fail – it destroys the relationship. If you make a promise – they need to know you are honor bound.
All of these things listed are things to begin incorporating in to your family and home. What we are asking is not easy and it can be daunting. This may take you outside your comfort zone, but the more you do this the easier it will become. You will absorb the information in pieces. Use what works naturally at first, then add from there. Know that this approach will be challenging, but it will be worth it in the end.
Stay tuned for part three of this three part series – the Correcting Principles and the Ideal Response.
By Molly Gratton, LCSW, RPT-S, TBRI Practitioner, Level II Certified Theraplay Practitioner
