I have been motivated to write this blog because of the many new babies joining the families with whom I work. I often receive questions about this very topic. It is an important one to visit. Not only is bringing a new baby into the family a joyful and fun time, but with that come challenges for all family members. Many questions arise: How should we tell our older child that we are having a baby? How do we include them in the process? How do we prevent jealousy of the new baby? What can we do to help them become friends?
Children all respond differently to learning about (and experiencing) a new sibling. Depending on their age, you can prepare for different responses and different ways to manage.
1 to 2 Year Old Children
Children of this age do not have the capacity to understand much about having a new sibling. You do want to be open and talk about the new baby. Show your excitement and love. They may not understand why you are excited, however, they will soak up your excitement and will feel excited as well. At this age, it is a challenge to meet the needs of both children. This could lead to some overwhelm, feelings of weakness and even sadness. Lean on your spouse, family members and friends for support, especially in the beginning.
When preparing these younger children for an addition to the family it is often helpful to plan something special for your older child to reassure your love for them. Some ideas include:
- Go somewhere special with your child.
- Give them a special gift.
- Spend special time alone with dad, grandparents, other special family members or friends.
- Set aside one on one time daily, even just a few minutes will help.
- Trust your spouse or grandparents with baby so you can focus your full attention on your older child.
- Put away your phone and computer.
2 to 4 Year Old Children
This as can be especially challenging age because your older child is very attached to you and has not mastered the skill to share you with others. Your child might experience feelings of jealousy, may feel threatened by the baby or even very sad. Here are ideas to help encourage acceptance of baby by your older child.
- Wait a while before telling your preschooler about the baby. Explain it to your child when you start buying nursery furniture or baby clothes or if she starts asking about mom’s growing “tummy.” Try to tell your child before she hears about the new baby from someone else.
- Be honest. Explain that the baby will be cute and cuddly, but will also cry and take a lot of your time and attention. Also, make sure that your older child knows that it may be a while before he can play with the new baby. Reassure your child that you will love her just as much after the baby is born as you do now.
- Prepare your child for when you are in the hospital. She may be confused when you leave for the hospital. Explain that you will be back with the new baby in a few days.
- Involve your preschooler in planning for the baby. This will make her less jealous. Let her shop with you for baby items. Show her her own baby pictures. If you are going to use some of her old baby things, let her play with them a bit before you get them ready for the new baby. Buy your child (boy or girl) a doll so she can take care of “her” baby.
- Time major changes in your child’s routine. If you can, finish toilet training or switching from a crib to a bed before the baby arrives. If that is not possible, put them off until after the baby is settled in at home. Otherwise, your child may feel overwhelmed by trying to learn new things on top of all the changes caused by the new baby.
- Expect your child to regress a little. For example, your toilet-trained child might suddenly start having “accidents,” or she might want to take a bottle. This is normal and is your older child’s way of making sure she still has your love and attention. Instead of telling her to act her age, let her have the attention she needs. Praise her when she acts more grown-up.
- Set aside special time for your older child. Read, play games, listen to music, or simply talk together. Show her that you love her and want to do things with her. Also, make her feel a part of things by having her cuddle next to you when you feed the baby.
School-Aged Children
Children older than 5 years are usually not as threatened by a new baby compared to a younger child’s reaction. However, they may resent the attention the new baby gets. To prepare your school-aged child for a new baby,
- Tell your child what is happening in language she can understand. Explain what having a new baby means and what changes may affect her – both positive and negative.
- Have your older child help get things ready for the new baby by fixing up the baby’s room, picking out clothes, or buying diapers. Involving the older child can give them a sense of belonging and helps them remain feeling connected to mom and dad.
- If possible, have your older child come to the hospital soon after the baby is born so she feels part of the growing family.
- When you bring the new baby home, make your older child feel that she has a role to play in caring for the baby. Tell her she can hold the baby, although she must ask you first. Praise her when she is gentle and loving toward the baby.
- Do not overlook your older child’s needs and activities. Let her know how much you love her. Make an effort to spend some time alone with her each day; use that as a chance to remind her how special she is to you.
No matter what you do in the process of bringing home new baby, remember to be kind and nurturing to yourself during this transition. Your older child will benefit from having a relaxed and calm mother as they are learning to adjust to the changes in their world. If they experience you and dad as calm and relaxed, they will adjust in a smoother manner. In turn, this makes for an easier transition for everyone.
