There are many types of challenging children to parent. Some children experience severe temper
tantrums, defiant children, and children who struggle to make real and lasting connections with their parents. The children who struggle with all three of these aspects may have experienced developmental trauma in their lifetime and can fit the diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).
Children diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) have experienced social neglect in early childhood. One of RAD’s diagnostic criteria is that a child has experienced a pattern of insufficient care through social neglect and lack of basic emotional needs for comfort, stimulation, and affection by their caregiver. They could have experienced repeated changes in primary caregivers, which prevents the child from forming stable attachments or raised in severely limited opportunities for developing selective attachments such as care facilities and orphanages.
A child diagnosed with RAD will display a consistent pattern of withdrawn behaviors in their relationships with adults. With withdrawn behavior, the child will rarely seek comfort or respond to comfort when distressed. The child can display behaviors of withdrawal from social or emotional relationships, have limited positive affect, and unexplained mood swings with irritability, sadness, or fearfulness in an interaction with an adult.
Many parents who find their children diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) feel like they are in a constant battle to gain control of their lives and household. Many things can be done to help encourage and support caregivers and children diagnosed with RAD. The first thing to remember as a caregiver for a child diagnosed with RAD is that your actions do not cause your child’s behaviors. Many parents struggle with their children’s behaviors from time to time, and with a child diagnosed with RAD, it might feel like every day is a challenge. Parenting a child diagnosed with RAD is not an easy task; therefore, forgiving yourself on those days where the patience is depleted. Remember that every parent makes mistakes, but as a parent of a child diagnosed with RAD, you will learn from the mistakes and remember not to take too much responsibility for your child’s behaviors.
Parenting a child diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) will look different than a typical behavior modification style. Children diagnosed with RAD do not respond the same way as children who have not had developmental trauma. Children diagnosed with RAD struggle to feel safe and have learned to trust only in themselves, which results in their need for control in their environment. A child diagnosed with RAD will hold onto power with all their might because giving up the control to a parent is dangerous in their eyes. They do not believe that adults in their lives can keep them safe. Children with RAD often do not respond well to behavior modification techniques because of the mistrust. They can follow the systems; however, the positive reinforcements lose their power due to loss of motivation.
Children diagnosed with RAD need to be parented with a tight structure, consistent and constant supervision, firm boundaries, and plenty of appropriate choices. Children diagnosed with RAD need to have the feeling of being in control and learn from natural consequences. As a parent, you should be assisting your child with learning experiences of failure and grow in independence, pride, and self-esteem. Children will learn through natural consequences and making mistakes on how to avoid battling for control. Control is often viewed as the problem in children diagnosed with RAD; however, it is a symptom of RAD.
When a child can feel safe in a relationship both physically and emotionally, they can then start to develop connections with the caregivers in their life, and they can receive and express love. For that relationship to feel secure in a child, the parent must first be consistent with boundaries, consequences, and structure. The most effective way to show a child they are safe is to be predictable and consistent in every reaction. That means be confident in your parenting skills and disciplines, even when you are in public, and feel like others are judging you. Remember that they do not know your child and what is best for them. It can be hard to parent in public the same way you parent at home with no peering eyes, but what is best for your child is consistent. If that means ignoring disruptive behaviors and sticking to strict limits and unconventional parenting methods, have confidence that you are doing what is best for your child.
The most important thing to remember as a parent for a child diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is to have compassion for yourself and find a community and respite care. Make sure you, as a parent, are taking care of your needs. A person who does not take care of their wellbeing cannot take care of others effectively. As a parent of a child diagnosed with RAD, days are draining. It is essential to find someone who is trusted to care for the child and allow yourself to get a break to refresh and recharge. The more support a family has in their life, the easier the burden becomes. Parents or families with RAD need to separate from the child diagnosed with RAD and regularly take time away. It is important to find respite with someone familiar with the child and can parent with the same boundaries and parenting skills as in the home.
Children diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder can be challenging. However, it is gratifying to see relationships forming and love and trust growing within the relationship. With consistency in parenting, supportive community, and self-care, the relationship between parent and child can grow and become rewarding. Parenting is no easy task for any child, and every child is different from parents. Although, children with RAD can be increasingly demanding; they can also be extremely rewarding.
Information provided by Jenny Shea, LMSW; Therapist with Molly and Me Counseling.
