The adoption of a child is an exciting time. However, some adoptions may bring forth some unforeseen challenges. Often times parents reach out for help when they feel they have tried everything, yet nothing seems to work. Fortunately, there continues to be research in order to aid parents in parenting their adopted child.
A child may be greatly impacted by deprivation and harm suffered in early life which can impact the child’
s coordination, ability to learn, social skills, size, and neurochemical pathways in the brain. These hardships can linger with the child for years even after leaving a life of hardship. It will not be a quick fix, but with an ongoing multidisciplinary approach, there is hope in transforming children into happier, well-adjusted family members. Treating the whole child is key.
A start to this process is helping the child overcome fear by providing felt safety. Compassion will be very helpful to parents in being tolerant of the child’s deepest needs. When parents are compassionate it is easier to have more realistic expectations and understand that the child is try their best to survive given their current mental limitations and social understanding. It is important for the child to feel assured that they are safe with their new family. One a child feels safe in their new home, they are able to develop healthy relationships with their family.
Building trust is a huge part in helping your child feel safe. Here are a few tips on how to build trust with your child
- Consistent care will help send the message that their needs matter and a safe adult will care for them
- Warm interactions will allow them to let go of fear and feel valued
- Responsiveness will help them feel understood
- Show positive emotional responses and praise
- Interactively play with your child
- Physically mirroring your child’s voice and behavior
- Respecting your child’s need for personal space
- Giving your child notice of upcoming change in advance
Arriving to a new home with a family that cares about them may be difficult for children who never learned appropriate social interactions or gained confidence in themselves or others. They now have dramatically different expectations and priorities which can be a challenging adjustment. It is best to use simple and brief language with children who have attention problems or language deficits. However, it is also important to encourage your child to use their words. Often times children may express their emotions through their actions so as a parent you should often remind them “please use your words.” Adopted children don’t’ understand how to modulate their own behaviors. Teaching kindness and gentleness can help your child overcome these issues. Model by example and then let your child attempt to display their kindness and gentleness. Remind them to use a kind and gentle touch. It is important to keep in mind that through this all the parent should remain in charge.
Often times children from impoverished backgrounds try taking charge of their families. A simple reminder of “Adults are in charge.” May be suffice. Alternatively, you may ask the questions “Are you the boss?” and “Who is the boss here.” Discipline is another area of hesitation for some parents of adopted children. Here are some tips on discipline.
- Respond quickly
- Clarify expectations
- Offer simple choices
- Present consequences
- Give immediate retraining and the opportunity to “re-do”
- Practice, practice, practice
- Keep the child near you
- Offer praise for success
The physical practice of the re-do option allows the child to tap into their motor memory which is similar to the active learning approach. Make your expectations clear and model appropriate ways to communicate instead of getting angry at the misbehavior. Misbehaviors can be an opportunity to teach your child new skills.
Lastly, it is important to heal yourself to heal your child. This is important because parents are humans too. It Is possible that a parent becomes subconsciously distracted by their own needs. This could lead to unrealistic expectations for the child or not giving full attention to their child’s needs. Your child will be considerably affected by your own emotional and physical well-being. “Like parent, like child.” Finding a therapist can aid in your own emotional healing or even provide guidance for treatment of your child. Accepting yourself can help you accept your child more wholeheartedly.
